The Spam Sketch from the second series of "Monty Python's Flying Circus" and

"Monty Python's Previous Record" 

 

(Spam = Spiced Pork And Ham, a sort of cheap luncheon meat)

 

Scene:  A cafe.  One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned

        helmets on.  A man and his wife enter.

 

Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear.

Wife (Graham Chapman in drag): All right.

Man (to Waitress): Morning!

Waitress (Terry Jones, in drag as a bit of a rat-bag): Morning!

Man:      Well, what've you got?

Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam;

          egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage

          and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam

          bacon spam tomato and spam;

Vikings (starting to chant): Spam spam spam spam...

Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked

          beans spam spam spam...

Vikings (singing):  Spam!  Lovely spam!  Lovely spam!

Waitress:  ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a

          Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with

          truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

Wife:     Have you got anything without spam?

Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in

          it.

Wife:     I don't want ANY spam!

Man:      Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?

Wife:     THAT'S got spam in it!

Man:      Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?

Vikings:  Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)

Wife:     Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?

Waitress: Urgghh!

Wife:     What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!

Vikings:  Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!)

Waitress: Shut up!

Vikings:  Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!  (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings!  You can't have egg bacon

          spam and sausage without the spam.

Wife (shrieks): I don't like spam!

Man:      Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss.  I'll have your spam.  I love it.

          I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam

          spam and spam!

Vikings (singing):  Spam spam spam spam.  Lovely spam!  Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.

Man:      Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?

Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam...  (but it is too late and

          the Vikings drown her words)

Vikings (singing elaborately):  Spam spam spam spam.  Lovely spam!  Wonderful

          spam!  Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam.  Lovely spam!

          Lovely spam!  Lovely spam!  Lovely spam!  Lovely spam!  Spam spam

          spam spam!